I wasn’t afraid of death. I was that teenager and woman who lived the day intensely, without worrying about tomorrow, my motto was “carpe diem”.
I lived everything that life offered me, I liked radical things… I remember that when I did Bungee jumping, I recorded a video, telling my mother that if I died she shouldn’t be sad, because I had died happy, and doing something that I wanted.
When I parachuted, I just asked God that if it weren’t my time to die, and that experience would take my life at a time that wasn’t mine yet, to make something happen on the way so I couldn’t get there. And I jumped without fear. I surrendered myself to the experience and, it was one of the best feelings of belonging. I felt so one with the universe, I felt so small and so part. It was beautiful
When I was pregnant with my son, I had an illness that made me have an encounter with Jesus, and he asked me if I wanted to stay there or if I wanted to go back. I chose to return, as I was pregnant and wanted to experience motherhood.
After the birth of my boy, I began to fear death. But I recently discovered that it is not death that I fear, but rather my attachment to it, during the consecration of the Bufo Alvarius medicine.
I discovered death, being a friend, or just a change of state of consciousness.
My experience began even before my consecration… I was afraid of dying. I asked Xama thousands of times if there was a chance that I would pass and she told me no, but I didn’t believe her, not because of a lack of confidence in her work, but because something asked me that I would die.
And I died. It is not the same person who writes these words today.
After consecrating the medicine, in a few seconds, between swallowing the smoke and closing my eyes, there I was breaking apart. Melting. The Veil I wore was the only thing that didn’t melt, but my face and body did. I remained sitting, under the illusion of not losing control of my body, or perhaps my mind.
I saw myself, as I am. Not a body, not matter, but energy, which mixed with music, with sounds, with real life.
I remember the prayer of Saint Francis playing, I got attached to it, and it became one with me. “To love is to be loved, to forgive to be forgiven.”
I went back and opened my eyes, and Xama was waiting for me for another “dose”. I didn’t want to, because that feeling was already more than valid in my head. I had already received what I had come for. But she told me that I had just opened the door, but that I hadn’t gone in yet.
I trusted, wanting to be suspicious, and agreed to surrender and walk through that door.
And then, I died.
It was playing “And by dying that one lives for eternal life” and I decided to discover eternal life.
Then I met death. I lay down. And I saw myself then, in fact who I can be without the presence of my body. Jesus once again came to meet me, and he explained to me that this is what the resurrection is about, letting one state of consciousness die to exist in another state. I saw him on the cross, without fear and totally surrendered. Confident in the universe. No fear and no pain. And he explained to me that what are we going to fear if the worst thing that can happen to a human being is death? And that death is actually not a bad thing, as we return to who we truly are. Energy. Peace Love. I had to hand over my body. I didn’t want to, and he explained to me that in fact what I was feeling was just “attachment”. Attachment to the body, attachment to life. Yes, we are so attached to life that we stop living, often in fear.
Isn’t that an inconsistency?
We want to live and we don’t want to die, because we are attached to life. But we stop living for fear of dying. Does this really make sense?
After handing over my body. From feeling it falling apart, melting and no longer existing… I felt my body being rebuilt. I was in the water. Nothing had room, my mouth was where my eyes should be, I had no ears and I couldn’t even feel the rest of my body.
“Don’t worry about things being out of place, before everything comes together, small things form even out of place, until everything takes its shape” said the creator himself in a reformulation of my body, which was in a womb. I was the fetus, but I was also the pregnant woman in a bathtub ready to give birth. I was also the midwife. That calmed that baby and that mother. I was all of them.
“You are all of them, because there is no separation. This separation is the creation of the body” the creator told me. It’s like water, water is water in the form of rain, lake, river, or the water in our glass. it’s just water. There is no separation. it is eternal. It may rain and have water in a different place. But it’s all water. We’re only one. We are water. We are music, we are energy. We are a piece of the creator. We just are. In different forms.
What the baby in the womb felt was what the mother felt, what the midwife felt. If we are all one, why do we compete? Why do we distance ourselves? Why did we separate? I will only actually grow up, and be something different, if we are all going to be different and grow up. Maybe one spark of mine changes, but it pulls all my other sparks to the same place. The uniqueness.
Sorry, it becomes something so ridiculous. I am the other, the other is me. So forgiveness starts with me. I forgave my body, which didn’t have the birth I planned. I forgave my breasts, which couldn’t breastfeed, I forgave my son, for all the changes he brought to my life. I never even thought I needed to forgive him.
I opened my eyes, and I hadn’t died. I had been reborn. I removed from my womb everything that I stored there and that made me sick. I felt a team of doctors cleaning me. I understood that the birth I was experiencing was my own birth.
We die, but we are reborn. In another state of consciousness. And that is the resurrection. We are infinite and we are finite, in the same intensity and in the same way. it becomes easier to love, because we become love when we understand that we are one with the whole.
The separation of bodies, places, languages, ideas…. She’s just an illusion. A chain of the mind.
…but there is liberation.
